Chasing Chaos: A Reflection on Emotions and the Everyday

Originally posted on June 18, 2024 from my previous blog. This was written during a quiet but disorienting time. After finally catching up with work and school, I found myself battling procrastination, slipping up on my diet, and confronting the discomfort that comes when the usual chaos fades. A simple, unfiltered reflection from that night.

Today was one of those days where I struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety. But honestly, I’m not entirely sure if it is depression that I’m feeling or if it’s just because I’ve caught up with my work and school projects and now find myself chasing the feeling of chaos.

It’s not as stressful as it has been, but I can’t wait for this term to be done so I can take a two-month break from school. During this break, I plan to focus on my workload and tackle the things at home that need my attention before I head out of the country.

This entry has no point, no takeaway. It’s just me being true to however I’m feeling at this point in time. It’s 11:23 PM, and I just ate a little bit of bitter melon with shrimp, a bite of Filipino pastry called “cuchinta,” and three bites of white rice. This wasn’t planned. I’m supposed to be on a low-carb, Keto diet, but I gave in.

Sometimes, life feels like a constant battle between our goals and our immediate desires, between order and the allure of chaos. Tonight, I chose comfort over discipline, and that’s okay.

As I write this, I find a strange sense of solace in acknowledging my emotions and sharing this moment of vulnerability. Maybe it’s the act of putting feelings into words that brings a little clarity to the confusion. Or maybe it’s just a reminder that it’s okay to not always have it all together.

Here’s to hoping I have a better day tomorrow. And if not, that’s okay too. Life is a series of ups and downs, and sometimes, we just need to ride the wave.